Say you're thinking of them, say you don't expect an answer, and make one small, specific offer. Leave out "everything will be fine" and questions about the illness. And don't send "get well soon" to someone whose condition won't get better.
People who are ill hear a lot of cheer. What they run short of is the sense of being remembered. A short message that asks for nothing does that.
What goes in it
- Their name and that you're thinking of them. "Thinking of you, Rahul." That's enough to open with.
- A wish for rest, not a promise of recovery. "I hope you can rest." You don't know how it will go, so don't say.
- One offer, or none. "I can pick up your groceries on Friday" is better than "let me know if you need anything". If you can't do something specific, skip the offer.
- A line that lets them off. "No need to reply." It's the most useful sentence in the message.
Thinking of you, Rahul. I hope you can rest and let everyone else worry about the rest. I'll drop dinner on Friday evening, no need to be up for it. And no need to reply.What not to say
- "Everything will be fine." You don't know that, and they may not be sure it will.
- "Stay positive." It makes cheerfulness their job.
- Someone else's story. "My aunt had exactly this" turns the message to you, and the ending is rarely helpful.
- Questions about the illness. "How bad is it?" and "What did the doctor say?" ask them to relive it. If they want to tell you, they will.
- Remedies. Advice they didn't ask for, however well meant, is a small burden.
If it's long, or it isn't something that gets better
"Get well soon" can sound like a deadline to someone with a long illness, a chronic condition or a mental health problem. Use "thinking of you" or "here whenever" instead.
Then keep going. The first week brings messages. By the third, they've stopped. A short note a month in, one that doesn't ask for an update, is often the one that's remembered.
For a colleague
Keep it brief and warm. Don't ask for the reason, and don't ask when they're back. A line like "Hope you're able to rest. Nothing here is urgent" takes work off their mind. A group card is fine, but each person should write only a sentence, and none of it should be about the illness.
If you want to visit
Ask first, and make it easy to say no: "Can I come by Saturday afternoon for half an hour? Say no if it's not a good day." At a hospital, check the visiting rules, and keep it short.
Is humour all right?
Only if you know they'd laugh at the same joke on a good day. With a close friend who jokes about everything, yes. If you're not certain, skip it and keep the warmth.
Where to go from here
- Friendship messages for a friend who is ill
- How to write a message that sounds like you the method, in three moves