Condolence messages, when you don't know what to say.

What do you write in a condolence message?

Three things: that you're sorry, something about the person who died or the person grieving, and that you're there. "I'm so sorry about your father. He always made time for everyone. I'm here whenever you need me" is a complete condolence message. It doesn't need to be longer, and it doesn't need to be eloquent. People who are grieving often say afterwards that they don't remember what anyone wrote, only who wrote.

That's why it's better to send something short today than something perfect next week. If you're struggling for words, say that: "I don't know what to say, except that I'm so sorry" is honest, and it's one of the kindest things you can write.

What should you not say?

Anything that tells the person how to feel, or explains the death. "They're in a better place", "everything happens for a reason" and "God needed another angel" are meant as comfort, but to many grieving people they sound like being told not to be sad. "At least they lived a long life" or "at least they're not suffering" makes the loss smaller. "I know exactly how you feel" turns the message toward you, even if you've lost someone too. And don't ask how it happened. If they want to tell you, they will.

Avoid advice, too: about grief, about the funeral, about what they should do next. And don't compare losses. The loss in front of you is the only one that matters today.

Religious or secular condolences?

Follow the family's faith, not your own. If you know they're religious, a line from their tradition is a real comfort. If you don't know, or they aren't, a message without God in it is always safe. Nobody minds a secular condolence, but a prayer from a faith that isn't theirs can feel odd.

• Hindu. "Om Shanti" (peace) and "may their soul rest in peace" are common. In Hindi, "ईश्वर उनकी आत्मा को शांति दे".
• Muslim. "Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un" (we belong to Allah, and to Him we return) is what many Muslims say on hearing of a death, often followed by a prayer for the person's forgiveness or for Jannah.
• Sikh. A prayer that Waheguru gives the soul peace, and the family strength, is appropriate.
• Christian. "Praying for you and your family" or "may they rest in peace". Many cards add a short verse.
• Jewish. "May their memory be a blessing" is the traditional wish.
• No faith, or unsure. "Thinking of you", "remembering them with you" and "sending love" work for everyone.

Text, card or call?

A text or WhatsApp message is fine, and often best, from a friend or colleague: it arrives quickly and asks nothing of them. Say they don't need to reply. For someone close, follow it with a call, and go to the funeral, cremation or prayer meeting if you can. A handwritten card is kind for anyone, and it's kept. In many Indian families, visiting the home in the days after the death matters more than any message; if you go, you don't need to say much.

What do you write to a colleague?

Keep it short, sincere and free of work. "I was so sorry to hear about your loss. Please take all the time you need" is right from almost anyone. A card signed by the team is common. If you manage them, tell them their work is covered, and make sure it is. Formal wording is fine here. What matters is that it's sent.

What about weeks or months later?

Write then, too. The messages stop within a week or two, but grief doesn't, and a note a month later, on a birthday or on the anniversary of the death tells someone you haven't forgotten. It's also never too late to send the message you didn't send. "I'm sorry I didn't reach out sooner" is always better than silence.