Write two or three plain sentences. Say you're sorry, name the person who died or one thing you remember about them, and offer one specific thing you'll do. Sign your name. That is a complete sympathy card, and it is better than a long one.
Most people stall because they think the card has to comfort. It doesn't. Nothing you write will make the loss smaller, and the family knows that. What a card does is tell them you noticed, and that you didn't look away because it was awkward.
Choosing the card and the name on it
Pick a plain card with a quiet front and, ideally, a blank inside. A printed verse is not a substitute for your own words, and a bright or cheerful card, however nice, reads as if you didn't stop to think.
Address it to the person closest to the loss, by name, and mention the rest of the family on the envelope if you want to include them: "The Sharma family." Write to the living, not the dead. "I'm thinking of you" belongs on a card; a letter to the person who died does not.
Why the order works
The three lines do different jobs, and the order is deliberate. A grieving reader may stop after the first sentence, so the one they most need goes first.
- The apology for the loss. This is the line that says you know what happened. If it's the only line they read, they've still been told that someone saw it.
- The name or the memory. This is what shows the card came from you and not from a stack of identical ones. It can be small: a laugh, a recipe, the way they answered the phone. Specific beats beautiful.
- The offer. This is the only line that asks anything of the writer instead of the reader. Make it a thing with a day on it, and only one you'll do.
Dear Meera, I was so sorry to hear about your mother. I still think of the evening she fed all of us at your place without letting anyone help. I'll call you on Sunday, and you don't have to pick up. With love, AnitaFour kinds of sentence to leave out
The usual lines to avoid ("everything happens for a reason", "they're in a better place", "at least they lived a long life") share a flaw, and knowing it helps you spot the ones nobody has listed. Each of them does one of four things to the reader.
- It explains the death. "It was meant to be" and "better place" tell someone whose loss is hours old that it makes sense. They may not agree, and a card can't be argued with.
- It shrinks the loss. Anything that starts "at least" asks them to be grateful in the same breath as being bereaved.
- It turns the card toward you. "I know how you feel" and three paragraphs about your own father put the writer at the centre. One short line about your own loss is fine. A page isn't.
- It gives an order. "Be strong", "stay positive" and "time heals" tell them what to do with feelings they can't help. The card is the one place they don't have to perform.
How long it should be
Two to five sentences. A card is read in a minute, often in a pile of others, often by someone who hasn't slept. Handwrite it, even if the handwriting is poor. A line in your own hand is kept; a typed one is not.
If you don't know their faith
Leave out religious phrases. Plain words offend nobody. If you do know the family's faith and the phrase for it, use it, but only the ones you're sure of, because a wrong phrase is worse than none. The condolence messages page has lines for several faiths to start from.
How to sign off
"With sympathy," "Thinking of you," "With love" and "Warm regards" all work. Pick the one that matches how well you knew them. Skip "Yours truly" and "Sincerely," which sound like a letter to a bank. If a group is signing one card, sign your own name rather than the team's, and keep your line to a sentence.
If you're writing weeks later
Send it. The first week brings cards, calls and visitors. By week three the house is quiet, and a card that arrives then is often the one that is remembered.
Say so once, briefly, and move on. "I'm sorry this is late. I kept not knowing what to write, but I've been thinking of you." Don't apologise for a paragraph, and don't wait for a better moment. There isn't one.
One last thing
Don't ask for a reply, and don't end with a question they have to answer. "No need to write back" is a kindness. The best condolence cards ask nothing of the person who receives them.
Where to go from here
- Condolence messages for lines to start from, for every faith and none
- Messages for the loss of a parent when the person you're writing to has lost a mother or father
- The lost art of the apology text on saying the hard thing plainly